by cschoolgirl
Rated R
Disclaimer: Fox and Marvel own everything. If they don't, someone else does.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Rach, Victoria and Nancy for the beta. All mistakes made after they did their magic are the fault of my computer, it is old enough and should know better. Now for something completely different, or at the least just fun. No seriousness was used in the writing of this fic.

Special Thanks: As always, to Victoria for a few kind words that inspired me to post my gibberish.

March 31

Marie was gone when I came back. On spring break with the girl in the yellow and the quiet one. It gives me time to get settled in before she gets here.

Chuck suggested I keep a journal before, but that was the last thing I wanted to do out on the road. When I came back this time, I informed him I'd be sticking around awhile. He asked me to start keeping a journal. Said it might help me remember my past, keep things I find straight. He also said to write down my dreams, that I might see clues there. Most of my dreams run along the same painful line. I don't need to write those down, they're burned into my memory. I ain't ever going to forget what those motherfuckers did to me.

April 6

Made sure I met her outside when they drove up. Her two friends were squealing on about something. Those two sure can make a racket. She ignored them and came over to talk. I never noticed how beautiful she looks when she smiles. Told her I was planning on sticking around, she could hold onto the tag awhile longer. Keep it safe for me.

April 6

Oh My God! Logan's back! Jubes, Kitty and I took a road trip for Spring Break, since it's the last time we'll be together. Next year we'll all be at different colleges. We had a good time, just driving, talking and scoping out guys. No sooner did we pull in the drive of the school and there he is, out on the front porch. Jubes and Kitty started squealing and talking about what a hunk he is. I tried to ignore them and walked over to greet him.

I gave him a hug, to my surprise he returned it. I could only smile at him as he told me he was staying for a long spell to take care of me. Then he did the strangest thing, his gloved finger lightly traced the chain of his tag that hangs around my neck. He said to keep wearing it, keep it safe for him. He let me go, a small smile on his face and walked back inside.

Those two wouldn't shut up as I was getting my stuff out of the car. They were sure he had been about to throw me over his shoulder and carry me off. Jubes and Kitty are loco sometimes.

April 14

Marie started talking about joining the team this summer. Damn it. How am I suppose to protect her if she is going on missions? She talked me into training her. We start after graduation. God knows what that pansy has been teaching these kids.

April 14

I ate lunch with Logan in the garden today. I could get use to that if he wanted to eat together all the time. He just listened as I rambled on about my plans for this summer and college in the fall. I wasn't sure if he was really listening or only being polite, but his head came up when I mentioned trying out for the team.

I mean he looked at me so fast I thought he was going to snap his neck in two. He cursed under his breath and said I didn't owe these geeks anything. I ran through my list of reasons, telling him in the end to get use to the idea. Out of nowhere he said he was training me starting after graduation, then stalked off grumbling.

Did I ask about training during my list of reasons?

May 13

Rescued a handful of kids from a lab today. I think this was the first time the others realized how seriously fucked those twisted bastards could be. I can still hear Jeannie crying in their room. Scott is trying to comfort her, but even he is at a loss for words. We simply left as the facility burned. Days like this, I'm relieved that Marie didn't have to learn first hand about the world that way. Glad that Chuck has this school were she can try to forget the pain in her life.

Marie found me outside. She never said a word, just sat with me, listening to the night.

May 13

I heard the Blackbird come back late. I slipped downstairs to find Logan, I wasn't sleeping anyway. I could tell from his tattered uniform that it had been bad. Gave him the beer I grabbed on the way out and sat down next to him. He let me lean my head on his shoulder. I only wish I could ease some of the pain he was feeling. He had a far away look in his eyes. When he turned to me, his eyes looked the same as the first day I met him. There must have been kids involved in the mission.

Logan brought me back to my room after finishing his cigar. He hugged me at my door and kissed my forehead quickly. I just stood there, staring as he walked to his room.

That was the most tender thing he has ever done. Oh yeah, he kissed me. I know it was just my forehead, but that counts. It does! Really!

May 28

Marie graduated today. She looked so happy with her friends. Chuck held a semi-formal dinner for those students without families. Marie was beautiful in her black silk dress. Everyone watched her as she entered the dining room. I ended up with her scarf. I have to remember to give it back to her.

May 28

Finally Graduation!

The day seemed to drag by. It took forever. That Worthington guy that spoke was plain boring. zzzzz Jubes kept making fun of him. When I got my diploma, Logan was like a pep squad, the way he yelled. Later he told me how proud of me he was.

After eating cake, Jubes and I went to change for the Professor's dinner party, while Kitty left with her family for an evening in New York. On my bed was a big box. Everyone else had exchanged gifts earlier, so I figured it had to be from Logan. I opened it to find a slip dress, opera length gloves and silk hose. They were all in the smoothest black silk I had ever seen. The dress stopped mid-thigh where it flared slightly, it was backless with little crisscross straps. I put everything on and even had the perfect black strappy heels and sheer scarf to go with it.

Jubes whistled when she saw me. She said he had expensive taste, the box was from one of the exclusive boutiques in the fashion district. It definitely is the most beautiful outfit I've ever owned.

Logan told me how gorgeous I was. Wait, let me repeat that, because he sure did. Logan told me how gorgeous I was. Twice! He stayed with me all evening making sure no one got to close to all my exposed skin. Got to love that man.

I wonder if he saw my scarf? I lost it somewhere.

June 5

Started training today. Marie's got good technique. I wish she wasn't so eager to learn to fight. She shouldn't have to know. She should be having fun and dating like the other girls her age. I told her as much. She said it was fine, who would want her anyway. She needs to quit thinking like that. There are plenty of men who would jump at the chance to be with her. I'm not sure why, but she flashed me one of those beautiful smiles.

June 5

Training with Logan is something else entirely. Jubes and Kitty insisted I wear this full body leotard/catsuit thing I have. I wasn't sure, but I wore it. Logan growled at me when I walked into the gym. He had a funny look on his face, almost like surprise.

Anyway, I tried real hard to do my best, show him what I already knew. He didn't seem very impressed and started instructing me in another fighting style. As we were finishing our sparring he voiced his opinion again that I didn't have to do this. He thought I should be out shopping and doing other teenage things like dating. I reminded him about my 'gift' and made some lame joke about guys not wanting me.

I really don't think he knows I heard him say it. Maybe he didn't even know he did. "I want you, Marie." I was glad our time was over, because I literally ran out of there with a frelling huge dumb ass grin on.

June 20

That little Cajun bastard. I could see he wasn't any good for Marie. He would only break her heart. She deserves better that him. Someone who loves her, will be faithful and that she can trust. I think I better talk to him. Tell him that if he hurts her, he'll be dealing with me.

June 21

I'm really confused. The last couple of weeks since graduation, Remy had been flirting and asking me out. Then today he barely even talked to me. I mean I know he has a short attention span, but that was way too abrupt. I said as much to Kitty and Jubes, they started laughing, Jubes fell off the bed she was laughing so hard. Kitty finally looked at me. 'You don't know, do you?' 'Know what?' Jubes relayed the entire story. During the past year and a half I had been at the school, when ever Logan came back he would threaten any boys that showed an interest in me.

I just hunted down Remy to find out. I quote, 'Remy don wanna part wit his manhood. He not mess wit da Wolverine's woman.'

June 22

Confronted Logan today about him threatening Remy and the others. He said it was nothing. He just flashed a couple inches of claw and told them they better not hurt me. I asked him what he thought he was doing. Gave me the same line about protecting me that he always says. Then he added that he wanted me to find someone I could trust, who would be faithful and love me. I got this odd feeling he was talking about himself.

July 5

Marie made the team. I discussed with Chuck her need for additional training. He agreed that it would be best for her not to go on missions right away, until she had more Danger Room time with the team. I think it is best to start training her with weapons. I don't want her mutation to be her only option for defense.

July 5

I did it! I made the team!

The Professor commented that it was a probationary type thing. When they thought I had enough experience working as part of the team in the Danger Room, I would start going on missions.

Logan still insists on a separate sparring session with me twice a week. I'm glad. I was afraid I might have to give up my favorite hour of the day. Logan time is by far the best time of the day.

He gave me a gift tonight, a knife. I admit I was confused at first. He wants me to keep it sheathed in my boot when in uniform. He is going to teach me how to use it. I finally understood when he explained that he knew how using my gift could be unpleasant and wanted to make sure I had other options. I think he is the only one that has considered how using my gift for the team can effect me.

July 21

Marie asked me to take her to the local college campus at Salem Center to enroll. I hung around while she signed up for classes, then we caught a movie. We ended the day with a steak in the city before returning to the mansion. Marie fell asleep on the way home. She looks so young and innocent.

July 22

Logan took me to the college's satellite campus at Salem Center yesterday. He stayed with me while I filled out all the paperwork. I was real worried about how to arrange my classes so I wouldn't have to bum rides that often. Logan offered to let me borrow his truck to get to my classes if it didn't work out right. I don't know why I was surprised, it's not like he offered me his Harley. I put all my classes on Mondays , Wednesdays, and Fridays, that way I didn't have to borrow his truck except on Mondays. The other two days someone is always headed in and I can get dropped off and picked up on those days.

We caught some movie after I was registered. I really don't remember the movie at all. How is a girl suppose to concentrate with Logan's arm on the back of her seat tracing small patterns across her shoulders? He had to know what he was doing to me when I quit breathing as his fingers glided up my neck.

We went on into the city for a steak at a tavern. I couldn't believe it. We actually talked during the meal. Usually he just listens to me chatter on about school, Jubes and Kitty, or other things. Today we had a real adult, deep conversation, about real issues. We talked about the others, I decided we must be the closest thing he has ever had to a family.

He is so handsome when he lets his guard slip down a little. Not that he isn't sexy as hell the rest of the time; there are numerous women that will testify to his raw sexual presence. But he appeared so content at supper, it added a whole new level to him, the hard glint in his eyes was gone for a few minutes.

I was so tired I fell asleep with my head on his leg on the way home. I woke briefly at one point to see him playing with the white strands of my hair. I would have given anything to know what that small smile that played across his lips was about. The next time I opened my eyes I was in my bed with my shoes off and a blanket tucked around me. Logan must have carried me up to my room.

I think I'm falling in love with him.

August 12

Marie went on her first mission last night. I made sure that she was safe and kept out of trouble. Afterward she insisted on fixing me breakfast. Nothing big, but it was good. She looked so graceful moving around the kitchen.

August 12


Well it really wasn't all that exciting. I was assigned to stay in the jet and monitor systems, while the others ran around breaking up a FOH riot at a mutant friendly business. It was still interesting to watch from a distance. Logan really enjoys his fighting, especially when he can kick ass. You know with the way he kept looking over his shoulder at the Blackbird, I'm pretty sure he was the reason that I ended up monitoring systems instead of fighting. I let myself daydream that it had more to do with me being his, than with a promise he made.

It was almost 5 A.M. when we finally were debriefed. Logan let me make him breakfast, nothing fancy: eggs, bacon, toast and coffee. We didn't talk much, but every time I turned around he was watching me. I could feel his eyes on me as I moved around the kitchen, almost like he was studying me.

September 4

I swear if I ever find the prick, I'll KILL him. She said not to bother, she broke his nose and he would need help to take a piss until the casts came off. I knew something was wrong when she called. She sounded off. I went to get her as fast as I could. She refused to tell me what happened. She ranted the the entire way home, then she started crying. I swear if I ever find out who that little fuck was, killing won't be good enough for him.

September 4

Yesterday started out so normal. Jean gave me a lift to campus for my Wednesday classes on her way to do her volunteer work at the clinic. My classes passed quickly, a group of us set up a study session for the evening for our Biology class, we had a major test on Friday. Called Jean to let her know not to stop for me on her way home, I would call in the evening when I needed a ride.

I met up with the group at a local restaurant where we ate supper and studied. Two hours later after I decided my brain had had enough, I got ready to leave. One of the guys said he lived out my way, he would be happy to give me a lift so I didn't have to bother anyone at my house to make the trip in. Finally, I accepted and we left. Everything was fine until we were out away from the street lights.

He pulled over and said that he wanted payment for the ride. He grabbed me. I don't know what happened. It must have been all the training from Logan. I punched him hard and jumped from the car. He came after me, nose at an odd angle and blood pouring down his face. He slammed me onto the car. I kicked him in the chest and heard a snap as we both landed in the dirt. My shirt was ripped as I rolled to my feet, he screamed as I lashed out at the arm grabbing for me. I ran down the road, not stopping until I reached the last convience store we had passed.

I called the mansion. Logan answered. I gave him directions, but refused to tell him what was going on. I must have looked a real mess, because he was out of the truck before it was completely stopped. He checked me over, swearing he'd kill the guy if I would tell him who. I already hurt the guy enough, didn't want his death on my hands, so I refused to give him details. Logan fumed, I cussed and bitched about what assholes men were the entire half hour to the mansion.

He was still listening to my ramblings as I cleaned up and got ready for bed. Exiting the bathroom I took one look at Logan and broke down. He looked lost, he wanted to help me, but didn't know how since I wouldn't let him kill the guy. He pulled me into his strong embrace, whispering comforting words, staying with me all night as I cried myself to sleep. He was still there when I woke up this morning. I wish I could wake up in his arms every morning.

Logan walked in my room just a little while ago, tossing me a cell phone. The first number programmed into it was to his new phone. He said I was to call him anytime I needed anything, he'd be there no matter what. We spent the next 30 minutes entering in everyone else's numbers.

Logan is a big exception to all that men being assholes stuff I said last night. He is definitely in a special category of great men.

September 12

Marie's off with Jubilee and Kitty for the whole weekend. I didn't realize how much time I was spending with her. It's so quiet at the mansion today. Fuck this shit. I need a good fight. Can't remember the last time I went out.

September 15

Spent the entire weekend with Jubes and Kitty, shopping, hanging out and catching up. I had a great time, but missed Logan. They both insisted that Logan was head over heels in love with me, especially after I told them about the cell phone. I left Sunday after they promised they were coming to the mansion during the first week of October for my birthday.

I know Logan spent the weekend out fighting. He really needed to blow some steam off, particularly after that incident a couple of weeks ago. Isn't pathetic of me to know that he didn't have sex, just fought. Yeah I'm pitiful, but I'm ecstatic he was just bashing heads and not having sex with women who aren't me.

September 19

Bastard. Fucking selfish bastard. She don't need my shit. I can't hurt her. I can't lose control.

September 19

That man is so infuriating, he confuses me to no end!

I'd been bugging him to let me train with him in one of his Danger Room programs. He kept putting me off, because he would have to reset all the safety levels so I wouldn't get hurt. He finally gave in today. I used the pout and puppy eyes, he can never say no to that. He says I abuse my power.

The program was great, until I got carried away and made a mistake. Logan swept me out of danger, ordering the computer to a halt. I lay under him on the floor, suddenly aware of my body's reaction to the contact of his body. He took a deep breath, I knew he could tell I wanted him. My senses were overwhelmed as his hands began roaming my body.

There I was in the arms of the man I desperately loved, finally feeling like a woman, with not a thought in the world of doing anything else but letting him have me. He wanted to take me, what with the ragged breathing in my ear and the erection pressing into my hip. What is a touch starved girl do with this information? She does the only logical thing and moans his name.

His response to the pleading in my voice was immediate. He swore, jumping up so fast my head thumped back on the floor. He stalked to the door, still cursing as he turned down the hall. How could I have been so wrong?

October 3

Marie turned 19 today. There was a small BBQ with her friends here. She had a good time and looked damn fine in that leather. Jubilee brought something that the 3 of them got drunk on.

Marie is going to be the death of me. I need to get out for awhile to clear my head.

October 3

Here it is my birthday and I'm crying and whining about Logan. It has been two weeks since he has talked to me. Avoidance seems to be his plan. Up until now he had always been good about letting me touch him. I guess that when presented with the possibility of sex and deadly skin it just isn't casual. Hell, I'm not expecting forever. I still have enough of him in my head to know that commitment has never been part of his sex life in the past. Not that I want casual, but if that is what he needs I can figure out how to give him that.

Jubes and Kitty cut their last classes to get here for lunch. We ate together, discussing their cheerier love lives. After lunch we helped set up for the BBQ this evening before returning to my room. There in the middle of my bed was a box. Jubes and Kitty started squealing, I merely sank to the floor and cried. At their confusion I told them everything that had happened since I last saw them.

They convinced me to open the box, to at least see what he got me. I pulled out gloves, a vest and pants all in smooth, thin black leather. Kitty was bouncing around telling Jubes to give me their presents. She quickly disappeared down the hall and came back with 2 gift bags. With a hint of mischief, Jubes hand one to me, saying the other was for the three of us. In my bag was a sheer black mesh bodystocking. It was slightly stretchy and would cover me from just under my chin to my ankles. I decided to give Logan something to avoid and slipped into the bathroom to change.

"Chica, that'll give Wolvie sulking material.' I checked in the mirror. The outfit was skin tight even over the bodystocking. An inch of mesh covered skin appeared between the bottom of the vest and top the pants that hugged my hips. The vest itself was low cut, showing my cleavage off, where Logan's tag was nestled. The gloves were short, only coming to my wrist, leaving my arms encased in just the bodystocking.

They'll be back any second from changing and we'll head down stairs for the evening. Wish me luck!

October 4

I did it! I threw myself at Logan, ruining whatever friendship there was.

Had a wonderful time at the BBQ. Turns out that Jubes' 'us bag', from earlier, contained some kind of liquor. I really don't remember what it was. The food was good. Scott flips a mean burger. The drinks were even better. I mingled in my new outfit, used the Logan in my head to flirt with the men and danced the night away. Logan spent most of the evening talking to the Professor and scowling at me. I would flash him a smile or wink, and go flirt with someone else.

Obviously Jubes had been drinking more than me. Around midnight Scott carried her to her room; Jean followed, escorting a giggling Kitty. I did a quick field sobriety test to assure everyone that I was able to make my own way up.

No sooner had I taken my boots off, than Logan knocked on the door. I let him in, shutting the door behind him. He said he wanted to make sure I was ok. I turned to look at him and asked if he wanted to see what my bodystocking looked like without the black leather.

Surprise! He didn't leave, just licked his lips like they were dry, as I slowly took off my vest and pants. I stood basically naked before him, I hadn't put on a bra or underwear since I had the bodystocking. He stood silently watching as I raised my arms and slowly danced a circle in front of him. He was still there as I pulled back the covers, climbing into bed. When I looked up he was at the edge of the bed, pulling the covers up like he was tucking in his little sister. Then he was gone.

That was around 24 hours ago and I haven't seen him since. His Harley isn't in the garage either. Way to go Marie!

October 5

I came up with a new plan. The get on with your life plan. Jubes and Kitty were only too happy to go to the city for some Sunday shopping. First stop was where they found the bodystocking. I was able to buy a white one and one with a lacy pattern. The store had a speciality catalog I took so that I could order other clothing later.

Second stop, the mall. I had been hiding behind baggy layers for way too long. I figure as long as I have a bodystocking or something like it on, I can wear whatever I want over it without danger of accidents. I bought plenty of tight, skimpy clothes. A new wardrobe for a new life.

November 26

Time for an update. It's been awhile since I made any entries. In fact the last one was the weekend Logan left. He hasn't been back since.

I knew I screwed up throwing myself at him like that. I've often wondered if it was because he thought I was smashed and he didn't want to take advantage of me. I ran all the scenarios of why he left: my age, my skin, my inexperience, his past and even Jean. I settled on one, the only real possibility.

He doesn't love me.

He cares for me, I know that. He just doesn't love me. He can't see himself as my lover. In the two months hešs been gone, I've come to accept that. I won't be anything else to him other than a burden. One he promised to take care of.

My get on with your life plan has worked pretty well. A couple of guys have asked my out. I haven't gone on any dates though. None of them measure up to the standards of the Logan in my head. I have gone out to parties and such with friends. I try to get out more than I used to, because I'm lonely without him.

Jubes to the Rescue

"Hey Jubes, have you seen my journal? I swore I left it on my desk." Marie asked, shuffling around several books.

"No, you know I quit reading that boring thing months ago." Jubes continued to flip through a magazine as she sprawled across her friend's bed. "Besides, I thought you quit writing in it anyway."

"Well, yeah I did. Oh forget it. It's not like that journal is ever going to make my life change for the better." She gave up her search, settling down in a chair.

"That's what you think," Jubes mumbled under her breath.

"What did you say?"

"Are you going to go talk to him? Your horoscope says now is a good time to resolve old issues. You could at least find out if you're still friends."

"I don't need to go ask. He made it pretty clear the way he completely ignored me through out dinner."

"Chica, that was hours ago. He's had time to think."

"He's had two months away to think. A couple hours won't make a difference."

Jubes pulled Rogue to her feet, pushing her toward the hall. "Come on, girl. Let him know you're willing to be friends. Or at least you can give him back his tag."

They stopped in front of Logan's door. Rogue simply stared at it.

"For Heaven's sake." Jubes knocked on the door and waited impatiently by her friend. The door swung open, revealing Logan clad only in a worn pair of jeans.

"Hey, Wolvie," Jubes said, shoving Rogue into the room and walking away.

He shut the door as she stumbled past him. "Hey."

"Hey I was glad to see that you made it back for Thanksgiving dinner." She awkwardly took in his room, noticing that he appeared to be packing. "Are you leaving again?"

He stepped over to her. "No, I thought I would just make room for some other things."

"Yeah. Well, from the look of it you could probably fit a whole new wardrobe into the closet."

"Something like that." He stretched out a hand, curling a white lock around a finger. She knew he could hear her heart rate increase and the hitch in her breathing. "I read the journal. The one you left with the note."


"I was thinking that maybe you'd like to move in here. You know, share a room with me."


"Start a relationship with me. Damn Marie, I ain't good at this explaining shit."

"No, you're doing a wonderful job."

"I am?"

"I'm pretty sure the journal ending up in here was Jubes' doing."


"I'd like to move in here. I'd like to share a room with you. I'd like to start a relationship with you."


"Logan, I think you and I need to work on expanding our communication skills."

"Actually, I was thinking of severely limiting our communication."

"Do you want to move my things in now or after you relieve me of my annoying ability to make coherent thoughts and say words?"

Without responding he pulled her into an embrace. Placing her scarf over her parted lips, he consumed her in a searing kiss.

Jubes giggled as she and Kitty walked by the door an hour later.

"Jubes, you said you finally got them talking. I don't hear them talking." Kitty immediately flushed in understanding, hearing several moans and a low growl from behind the closed door.

The End

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